"Therefore, honor God with your body."

About Ed.

2009-02-21T17:21:00.000-08:00

I thought I should clarify some verbiage, as I realize that while I have been in treatment for over a year now, my readers have not. And so, without further ado, here is a brief orientation in Eating Disorder Vocabulary.

"Symptoms" - any behavior or action which is associated with bulimia. Genergally, binging, purging, restricting (under-eating intentionally), eating mindlessly, or over-exercising.

"Ed" - often treatment teams refer to the Eating Disorder as a person - Ed. "Ed" is a ficticious someone that patient is in an abusive relationship with, who tells the patient distorted things about themselves, about food, and about coping with difficult life situations. More information can be found in a great book by Jenni Schaefer called "Life without Ed."

Distortions - A way of thinking that affects the patient. Here's a great website that describes it.
http://www.something-fishy.org/isf/selfperception.php. Often there's a very real difference between what I logically know and what I feel (or distort).

There may be more, but these are common one's I've used so far. Consider yourself educated =)

Lenten Lesson

2009-02-21T17:03:00.000-08:00

I have been thinking a lot about Lent, today in particular as we played Chris Tomlin's "The Wonderful Cross" at Resonate rehearsal. I've rarely taken the time to reflect on this important season in the Church and so this year, I plan on focusing more intently on the 40 days before Easter. Growing up, I had a lot of Roman Catholic friends who would talk about what they had "given up" for lent. In my protestant home, we were never asked to do anything like that...I ate hamburgers on Fridays and smugly ate brownies while my Catholic friends looked on with watering mouths.

With my intent to focus on Lent and the sacrifices Jesus made for me, I now understand the point (however ill conceived) that my friend's devout parents were trying to hammer home. Fasting, sacrificing, and understanding even in the smallest way what Christ paid for my sins, is a crucial part of a Christian walk.

Until today, I had decided to give up Starbucks. After all, "St. Arbuck" has practically become like an idol in my daily routine, and while I can't really afford it, I rarely hesitate to drop $4.00 on a latte - sometimes throwing in a $3.00 bag of trail mix. So, yes, this would be a sacrifice. But to really come close to giving something up I've begun to think that I should try harder. And here's where the dilemma is, because I believe Ed is creeping in on my genuine attempt to meditate on the Wonderful Cross during Lent this year...My first ingenious thought was to give up sweets. This would be a sacrifice, a trial by all accounts; and yet I can't help notice that it's a bit self serving (or rather, Ed-serving). Because while it would be difficult there was a thought in the very depths of my altruistic mind of "and, I might lose weight!" Drat.

So then I thought well instead of SWEETS how about giving up all food that is not necessary for sustenance...ensuring (or at least trying to) that I don't restrict but also that I don't over do it. I am on the fence about this one. It would certainly give me the means to focus intently on God as I excuse myself from cookies at the office or a glass of wine at the bar...but it's that underlying Eating Disordered distortion that has me a little worried. I have a few days to figure it out (and fortunately, as session with my therapist). Until then, I'm going to dive into scripture and read up more about Lent and all that it means and see if there isn't and answer for me there.

Blessings.

Awareness

2009-02-20T19:52:00.000-08:00

This week (Feb. 16-20) was National Eating Disorders Awareness Week. I just found out about this, and realized that indeed, I have been very aware of my eating disorder this week. Like, painfully aware. And who knew they were throwing a holiday about it. Returning from Ohio on Monday I found myself eating mindlessly to numb some kind of anxiety. This was followed by a great day on Tuesday (I can't help but notice that my good days are days I don't have to go to work...) and a ridiculous low on Wednesday. Wednesday it was all I could do to get myself to Resonate rehearsal, for example, and the gym was out of the question. I ate crappily all day and felt uncomfortable in my skin...like it was someone else's... and so, for the first time in a while, I used symptoms to deal with it. Ugh, that was hard to write.

I go back and forth between resignation to this disease, frustration with the fact that I can't overcome it (or rather, that it's taking so long to do so) and an overwhelming desire to just curl up in a ball and disappear. Instead, I muster up a smile and pretend that I'm doing great. I'm sorry if you're one of the people who I've seen this week and who I have probably lied to. I'm not really doing that great. If you twitter and read my prayer request, this is what it is that I've needed spiritual support about.

When I first recognized that I had a problem last year, I had certainly been praying for the burden to be taken away...it's been kind of an angry year with me and God. So I ask that as friends and supporters that you lift me up in your prayers because I don't have a lot of faith in my own right now.

I am not very good at blogging yet, hence the infrequent posting. I'll try to get better. I think part of my hesitation is case in point in this post. I just read through what I wrote and thought "well gosh, THAT'S depressing." People certainly aren't going to want to read THAT...especially about me! After all, I am a smily, happy person. We aren't allowed to have bad days, let alone weeks! Or, I've convinced myself of that. It's been ingrained in me for a long time. This closing paragraph is an attempt to explain my final sentence, which will be this "But no, really, I'm fine. I hope you are having a great weekend!"

An exercise in body image

2009-02-11T07:12:00.000-08:00

C.S. Lewis said "You don't have a soul. You are a soul. You have a body." For the most part I believe that to be true, in fact I have it posted on my bulletin board above my computer at home. But to me, it leaves a little to be desired in the fact that your physical being is very much connected to who you are in your soul; or how you feel in your soul...at least when you have an eating disorder. Though I imagine that when one is healthy, there is a very real, spiritual connection between body & soul.

I've experienced the connection a few times, it's one of the reasons I believe that Spoke Folk is such a powerful ministry. When you push yourself physically, God can really come in and push you spiritually. I'd like to somehow apply this concept to the acceptance of my body, even at some point, love of my body. So, if I push myself to respect, appreciate, my body, at whatever size, then I am honoring myself, my soul, my God.

Here's where I get stuck between a rock and a hard place. Intellectually, I know that losing 20lbs will not make me happier, a better person, a more fulfilled person, or even really, healthier. I had a fitness assessment at the gym last week and it turns out that I am 40% above average for my age cardiovascularly. I am flexible, have good balance, blood pressure, I can do 40 sit-ups in a minute. Instead of being happy about this, or proud of it, it was actually annoying to me. Because it means I don't have to lose weight, I am healthy where I am as long as I maintain my lifestyle.

So that's the rock. Intellect, reason, logic. Here's the hard place - I struggled all weekend with the fact that my physique does not even closely compare to Scarlett Johannson. This was highlighted by the incessant gawking of the guys I was with as we watched "He's Just Not That Into You." (In their defense, these were three of my best friends, all who know about my E.D., and I said nothing about how upset I was...that's for another blog though, I suppose). I can't fault men for objectifying women because I do it myself - to myself. I can't help but feel like things would be less hard, life would be less lonely, I would feel better in general if I weighed less, wore a few sizes smaller.

Before I left for a trip this weekend, I went to the gym. In classic E.D. style I scrutinized every inch of my physical body in the new workout clothes I was wearing. And all the sudden I caught myself thinking...hey...I kind of have a good butt. (!!!!!!). It was fleeting...it was a small triumph at most. So fleeting that it was quickly overshadowed by a weekend of self-loathing and insecurity. But, it stuck out in my mind as something I should blog about, because it was a special moment where the cosmos came together and I could respect my body, nurture my soul, and take a step toward bringing them a litle closer together.

Be well.

What are you hungry for?

2009-02-09T10:06:00.000-08:00

I end up asking myself that question a lot. I've been asking it for over a year now, and I have rarely been able to answer it successfully.

There are two contexts where this question applies -

The first, When I'm actually hungry. As in, what would I like to eat. This seems like a simple question but it's a hard thing for me to decide sometimes. I feel like I know what I should eat, and a lot of times Ed tells me what I shouldn't eat...and all those conflicting messages really battle in my head until I end up either overeating, under-eating, or being incredibly unsatisfied (or both). There's rarely a moment when I can say, ah yes, I could really go for a [fill in the blank].

The second is the context in which I've been wrestling with this question a lot lately. My therapist in Boston used to ask me it all the time and I was terrible at answering. I think it's partially because I'm a pretty concrete thinker... basically, if I've gotten to the point where I'm eating compulsively, it's meant to ask, ok, what is it that's upsetting you or leaving you feeling "hungry" emotionally. So lately instead of feeling satisfied by what I've eaten, I end up craving more, and the cycle repeats because I am left dissatisfied. It happens at work, at home, at church...there doesn't seem to be a time or place that I can isolate it to, or a place where I'm safe from it.

Last night I was writing in my journal which has scripture in it, and the verse was from Job 8:21

"He will yet fill your mouth with laughter,
and your lips with shouts of joy."

It struck me as ironic (perhaps not the best word)...because it promises fulfillment...and satisfaction...and I'm just not finding it in my spiritual walk right now. I'd like to replace this seemingly false "hunger" I'm having for food with a "hunger" for the Lord...one which I know can be completely satisfying.

I don't have more to write on this, really, it's only my observations of the day. I have more insight but I'm just trying to take baby steps into this whole blogging/honesty thing...I'm already a little worried that people will think I'm nuts so I don't want to push the envelope entirely.

Off to try and get some work done.

And away we go

2009-02-08T18:36:00.000-08:00

So I've officially crossed the so-called point of no return. I've succumbed to facebook, twitter, and now blogging, which anyone can tell you are huge steps for a techno-phobe such as myself. More frightening than the mystery of the world wide web, however, is the fact that I'm feeling more emotionally vulnerable than ever before. I've clued a lot of people in on the struggles I've had with bulimia over the past year or so (sheesh, even that's hard to type), but if you're one of those who had that conversation with me, you know it often went like this:

Laura: So, I've gotta tell you something kinda big.
Friend: Yeah? What's up?
Laura: Well, last summer, after I graduated BU, I went into a month long outpatient treatment program... for an eating disorder...
Friend: [Insert expressions of compassion & surprise]. Wow, I had no idea.(i was really good at hiding it) Is there anything I can do to help?
Laura: Well, I was pretty much able to break the cycle, and I'm seeing a therapist & nutritionist, and I'm not symptomatic anymore, so it's more about being supportive if I need it.
Friend: Ok, well I'm here for you!

After that conversation, I may have never said anything to you about it again. It turns out I have a great support network of family and friends...that I don't rely on. The truth about it is, that there are a lot of times when I struggle, whether it's body image, stress, anxiety...you name it. But I come up against a major road block when, after realizing that I'm having a hard time, the next step is to ask for support.

That's kind of where I'm at right now with all of it, at this moment. I titled this blog "Therefore, honor God with your body" because that verse from 1 Corinthians 6:19-20 has come to mean a lot to me this past year. "Don’t you realize that your body is the temple of the Holy Spirit, who lives in you and was given to you by God? You do not belong to yourself, for God bought you with a high price. So you must honor God with your body."

While Paul was actually referring to sexual immorality in that section of his letter, I think that verse is applicable to any way in which we use our physical bodies on this earth- it should be to honor him. Abusing myself through binging, purging, restricting, overexercising...are not ways to honor the temple of the Holy Spirit that is my body. Prayer and spirituality have been a major part of my recovery, and I'm sure I'll blog about that along the way as well.

Thanks for sharing the journey with me. Be well.